I’ve been thinking, and I’ve come the conclusion that the hours between 12 a.m. to 5 a.m. don’t really count as time. It’s not nighttime, technically, but it’s definitely not daytime. No one really knows whether to refer to this weird time frame as “late last night” or “early this morning.” In my eyes, this isn’t even a “real” span of time. Everything is too dark and confusing. But, I’ve decided to use this very scientific absence of time to my advantage. You see, if these weird hours of darkness don’t really count, then the calories you eat during them must not really count, or at least that’s how I live my life.

Late night (or early morning?) snacking is the plague of the 21st century. Twenty-four-hour superstores, cupcake vending machines, the sole fact that you can get a 16” “personal” pizza at any time you please: all I’m saying is that if food vendors closed their doors at hours where daylight wasn’t just a faint memory, I’m sure humanity wouldn’t be as close to a pandemic of diabetes as it is today.

I, this past weekend, was the epitome of a 12 to 5 a.m. snacking victim, caught very red handed with $12.66 worth of God’s greatest gift: Insomnia Cookies. Insomnia Cookie, you are my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye, mostly because it’s harder for me breathe after having scarfed down five of your piping hot cookies. Yes, five. I, along with my friends Tori and Charlotte, ventured down to Milwaukee at not 12 a.m., not 1 a.m., but a very, very sad-to-admit 2 a.m. to buy ourselves an inhumane amount of delicious desserts.

Insomnia Cookie, on North Ave., Milwaukee, stays open until 3 a.m. every single night, welcoming in boatloads of people who hate their bodies and need an insane sugar fix at ungodly hours. Oh, and they deliver — how lucky are we? Now we can all just sit in our pajamas watching Netflix and not have to move a muscle to gain 10 pounds.

Basically, here’s the story of how I ended up spending over $10 on cookies just for myself in the wee hours of the morning. First, we walked in, mouths watering, so gosh darn hungry, which is never a good combination when doing anything related to food. The saying goes, “Don’t go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.” Wrong. Don’t go to Insomnia Cookie when you’re hungry because you will spend way too much money and swallow 1,000 calories whole.

Once you’re inside this marvelous monstrosity, one of each flavor of cookie is sitting there, staring at you; begging you to please, please eat it; begging you so hard that you feel bad for not buying each and every single one of them. I’m talking Chocolate Chunk, M&M, Double Chocolate Chunk, Double Chocolate Mint; and those are just their traditional cookies. They’re deluxe cookies are the real killer: Triple Chocolate Chunk, S’mores, and Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup. And the best part, they are gracious enough to offer you ice cream in the middle, because all you need is an additional double scoop of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough at 2 a.m., right? Evil geniuses.

After a few minor panic attacks, and a few glances at my balance on my PNC app, I looked the cashier straight in the eye and said, and I quote, “Can you just give me a lot of these [cookies]?” If that right there doesn’t describe how indecisive I am, I’ve got nothing for you. The best part was, they didn’t even look at me funny. My guess is they’ve had many more bizarre people and order requests over the years. It made me feel pretty decent in such a terribly awkward situation.

I looked away while they grabbed my unknown amount of fresh-out-the-oven cookies. Thirty seconds later, I hear a regretful, “That’ll be $12.66” in my ear. Well, it was too late to back out now. I reluctantly swiped my debit card, and the excessive amount of cookies were mine.

Remember, It’s 2 a.m., so calories really, really don’t count. I sat down with my box of cookies in front of me and went to town. A giant mush of chocolate and peanut butter and fudge and all the other natural wonders of the world melted in my mouth. The feeling was unparalleled; in that split second, nothing else mattered in my life except for these sugary discs of love.

How good are they, you might ask? Tori, my gluten-free and celiac friend, caved under the pressure and the smell and ate a Triple Chocolate Chunk cookie. She woke up feeling like the world was ending, but it was worth it (maybe).

Surprise, surprise, I didn’t finish all my cookies. It came down to either finishing all seven cookies or projectile vomiting. But don’t get me wrong, those bad boys came straight home with me and they we’re gone by the end of the next day.

If you have any sort of sweet tooth/guilty pleasure; rather, if you’re a living, breathing human being, Insomnia Cookie is an absolute must.

Happy eating!